Depression showed up again and I was not ready…
I thought I was past feeling bad about myself when depression reared it’s ugly head again. When it first resurfaced, I chose to take action and see a therapist. Although I had mixed feelings, I trusted her good intentions. Rather than addressing the core issues, she offered small, simple solutions—like joining groups to meet people and avoid loneliness. She also recommended trying dating apps to help ease my sense of isolation.
Depression & Lonliness…
My loneliness is twofold: both in friendships and romance. I have few friends, and romance is nonexistent. I was married for nearly 20 years, but I believe my ex was right when she said we were more like roommates than lovers. We lived together and spent time side by side, but over the years, the romantic connection faded. As for friendships, I haven’t had many since high school, and even then, my circle was small.
Depression & Friendship…
Let’s talk about friends—or the lack thereof. I really only have one friend, and our connection feels genuine and true. I’ve been let down before, so sometimes my self-doubt creeps in and makes me question the friendship. My feelings about it come and go. At times, I’m confident he’s a real friend, but other times, I find myself doubting. I hate feeling this way and try not to let these thoughts take over, but they ebb and flow like the tide.
Depression & Romance…
Romance feels out of reach right now—I’m not even sure I can call it that since it seems nonexistent. I’ve fallen for someone I can’t be with, and my attempts on dating apps have all fallen flat. Am I really that unattractive or uninteresting that I can’t connect with anyone? I’ve matched with quite a few people on Facebook Dating, but only one responded to my initial message. I’ve tried different approaches when reaching out, but none seem to work; I get no replies. The one person who did respond was the first to suggest meeting up, yet when I tried to arrange a date, she gave weak excuses for not following through.
Depression & Me
I am struggling to cope and unsure of what to do. My initial response is often to inflict pain on myself—punching doors, headbutting walls, or punching myself. Although pain seems to calm me and helps me manage my feelings, I know it’s not a healthy way to cope. I suspect it may be related to being autistic, but I’m not certain. This behavior has been with me for as long as I can remember, though I don’t know exactly when it began.
Reflection
I really don’t know how to fix myself or get better. Clouds and regret fill my mind while I feel that sense of hopelessness wash over me. I have no clue where to go and what to do. It feels like I am floating in a small raft in the middle of the ocean during a hurricane….